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127 West State Street
Ithaca, NY 14850
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Aug 1, 2010
Openning New Doors Ribbon Cutting and Building Dedication
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Cayuga at Twilight
September 12
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Robert E. Hamlisch, MD Memorial Lecture Featuring Richard Kogan
October 3
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December 9
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EAP Help Topics: Articles for Employees

Supporting employers and employees through a variety of services that foster a healthy and productive workplace

Workplace Topics Self Help Topics

Time Management Tips

“The bad news is time flies.The good news is you’re the pilot.”-Michael Althsuler

Planning: Without taking the time to plan, you are planning to fail. Plan your day and/or week, using calendars, lists and notes.

Prioritizing: Procrastinators have a tendency to focus on the most comfortable, convenient and easiest tasks, rather than the important ones. Meanwhile, all of those important tasks are piling up and become marked as “urgent.” This can become overwhelming and make you unsure of what is priority and what is not.

Remembering: Give your brain a break. Don’t try to rely on your brain to remember everything. Write it down.

Pruning: Learn that you can’t do it all! Learn to let go. There are trade offs and compromises.

Delegating: We all need help sometimes. Ask yourself, what are some tasks or duties that someone else could do at home and at work? Don’t be afraid to delegate tasks.

Setting Limits: Saying “no” to others. Focus on the important things in life and say “no” to the unimportant things. Also set limits with yourself to not procrastinate.

Motivation: We all procrastinate about something. Usually tasks we dislike. Remember to use positive self talk and not label things so negatively. And most importantly reward yourself!

Solutions to Procrastination
  • Identify and address fears and emotions (the sources of your behavior).
  • Try keeping a journal or daily log of how you spend your time or waste time. Look for patterns.
  • Deal with your “inner critic.” Improve your self talk.
  • Don’t overburden your memory. Write it down, make lists, use an appointment book.
  • Break down tasks you dislike into small, manageable parts
  • Write down your goals and reward yourself daily!

Email Etiquette

Email in the workplace has added efficiency and convenience, but has not come without its problems. Email users in the workplace experience everything from mere misunderstandings to extremes such as abuse and harassment. Emails have become the most devastating "smoking guns" in cases of sexual harassment, discrimination and defamation law suits. For all of these reasons, it is important we are cautious and professional when it comes to email use. Below are some rules of thumb for email etiquette or as some call it "netiquette."

Workplace Email Etiquette Tips

  • Remember there is a human recipient beyond the computer screen.  Do not send anything that you wouldn’t say to their face or in a professional letter.
  • Never send any content in an email which you wouldn't put on a post card. Email is not private. Employers can and sometimes do monitor emails, and the email system is the property of the employer.
  • Proof read emails as you would any letter.
  • Mix cases. UPPER CASE LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE SHOUTING
  • Use proper punctuation as you would in a letter.
  • Be sure you know who you are sending your email to. Beware of the reply button and accidentally sending your email to multiple recipients.
  • Beware of using your signature line with company information when emailing outside of your organization, especially if it is not work related. You may be representing a position or opinion in which    does not represent your employer's position.
  • When in doubt, send emails in plain text. Some systems have difficulty with other formats.
  • Ask for permission prior to sending someone large attachments.
  • Time is money...and so is bandwidth, system space and connectivity. Be courteous and do not send junk mail, chain letters, etc.. or extremely long messages.

Self Care for Professionals in Helping Roles

Working with people experiencing trauma is stressful for the helper for many reasons. One of the most difficult issues involves the secondary trauma one experiences as a result of being a helper. Therapists, human services professionals, some medical personnel, fire/police/EMT personnel can all be at risk due to their direct and indirect exposure to traumatic events experienced by the people they help. It is very helpful to understand the phenomenon of vicarious traumatization, its symptoms and prevention strategies.

Vicarious Traumatization:"All of the trauma work that we do, hour after hour, day after day, week after week contributes to inner changes in the self of the therapist. It's an inevitable part of the work because we're entering into a very dark world, and if we're open emotionally the way we need to be to be effective helpers, we're going to be impacted."- Laurie Anne Pearlman,PhD., Director of Research at the Traumatic Stress Institute/Child, Adult & Adolescent Psychotherapy.

SYMPTOMS:

  • Intrusive images
  • Nightmares
  • Emotional numbing
  • Dissociative experiences
  • Hypervigilance
  • Anxiety
  • Poor coping
  • Irrational fears
  • Drug or alcohol use and addiction
  • Sleep disturbances
  • No time or energy for oneself
  • Physical illness
  • Disconnection from loved ones
  • Social withdrawal
  • Increased sensitivity to violence
  • Cynicism
  • Generalized despair and hopelessness
  • Changes in identity, world view and/or spirituality

CONSEQUENCES OF VICARIOUS TRAUMA:

  • Feeling like a victim
  • Negativity
  • Blaming
  • Feeling powerless
  • Burnout

Prevention and Self Care Strategies:

At work:

Recognize vicarious trauma as an occupational hazard

  • Don't deny your reactions and feelings. Acknowledge and accept them as part of your work. Seek to understand them.
  • Monitor your reactions to client stories.
  • Adequate supervision and peer support
  • Caseload: size and type
  • Use vacation, sick and personal leave time
  • Focus your empathy on strengths and resources of the client
  • Maintain awareness of client reenactment of pathological relationships and maintain boundaries/clear limits
  • Develop a balance of professional skills (trauma and non trauma work)
  • Take time to laugh and have fun at work
  • Congratulate each other on the little successes
  • Take time every day to remove yourself from the work environment and traumatic material and triggers
  • Limiting imagery: explore different ways to receive and process information from clients
  • Seek to understand client's pain, not feel it.

Personal strategies:

  • Read about vicarious traumatization. Journal writing to process and enhance self awareness
  • Seek spiritual renewal in whatever way you define that
  • Use a combination of rigorous exercise and restful exercise (meditative, yoga, stretching)
  • Develop hobbies and creative interests
  • Eat well
  • Comfort foods are good in moderation but be cautious of overuse of caffeine, coffee, sugar
  • Nurture yourself
  • Engage in experiences that instill comfort, hope and inspiration
  • Consider counseling to address past issues and/or vicarious traumatization
  • Set clear boundaries between home and work
  • Use rituals to make transition from work to home
  • Spend time with family and friends
  • Spend time in nature

 

Responding to Criticism and Feedback


Most people feel pretty uncomfortable with criticism or negative feedback. Of course, we all know we aren't perfect and everyone makes mistakes. We know that in our heads, but not in our hearts. Many of us take feedback personally and respond from emotions rather than working from a rational, cognitive level. Remember, criticism from others at work should not be used as a barometer of your self worth. Here are some tips to get cerebral and effectively think through and respond in a constructive and healthy way.

Step 1: Assessing the Criticism

            Is it...

           Valid?

           Invalid?

           Difference of Opinion?

Questions to Ask Yourself:

Is this something I have heard before from others?
Does the critic have reasonable standards?
Is the criticism really about me or is the critic just upset and taking it out on me?

Step 2: Examine motives of the critic

           Is it to...

           help you?

           help someone else such as a patient or coworker?

           make themselves feel superior? (usually not)

           purposely hurt you? (usually not)

Step 3: Be aware of your self talk.

  • Monitor your emotional reactions
  • Delay your response if too upset
  • Criticism/feedback is not of your personality or character

Step 4: Ask clarifying questions.

  • Don't make defensive comments or hurriedly try to explain yourself
  • Turn the critique into a dialog
  • Start by asking questions to sort out fact from interpretations
  • Acknowledge the critics opinion:Paraphrase and summarize what the person has stated
  • Create an open atmosphere.
  • Be welcoming and open to listen
  • Use non defensive body language and maintain eye contact
  • Be engaged in the conversation

 

Confidentiality and the EAP

The confidentiality of our clients are of utmost importance to us at your EAP provided by Family & Children’s Service. If you worry that your employer will find out if you used the EAP, or worry that your supervisor will somehow know what you talked about… you aren’t alone. This is a common worry and misconception that people have about using their EAP. And unfortunately, some people don’t use their EAP and seek help because of this fear. Your EAP is confidential! EAP’s are subject to federal and state laws regarding confidentiality and HIPAA regulations, just as any provider of services that involve individual’s protected health information. Your EAP through Family & Children’s Service carefully safeguards your personal information, is HIPAA compliant and provides all new clients with information regarding privacy practices, your rights and confidentiality. Of course, we do have legal duties to share confidential information with appropriate parties in certain circumstances where a client poses a serious and imminent danger to themselves or others, or in cases of suspected child abuse. We are able to provide answers to any questions you might have concerning confidentiality and your privacy. Please feel free to ask.

If you are a supervisor or human resource representative, you may be wondering, “But what if I refer someone to the EAP as a formal condition of their employment? Don’t I have the right to know if they followed through and worked on their issues?” The answer is that EAP is still confidential! Employers even in this case do not have a right to know and the EAP can not provide any information without the consent of the employee being referred. In this circumstance during this disciplinary conversation, the employer should discuss with the employee upfront the kinds of information they plan to ask EAP, such as attendance, or if the EAP is making a referral elsewhere, or if particular skills were gained during the EAP sessions. Still, the EAP will only provide information if the employee signs a release of information. Our clinical professionals at EAP are very cautious and respect confidentiality. They will work with you on specifically what you feel is OK for EAP to tell your employer. It is important to know that the EAP does not and will not share information with employers regarding personal information, your diagnosis, or where we are referring you to which may reveal what your personal issue may be. A formal condition of employment referral is rarely used by employers and is the only time employers even want to know anything about someone’s use of EAP.

It is so important for supervisors and human resource representatives to emphasize to individuals that EAP is confidential, and that it is a safe place to go to talk about issues. Some employees assume that since this is a benefit provided to them through their employer, that their employer somehow has the right or ability to know which employees use the EAP and what they used it for. This is not the case and EAP carefully protects people’s privacy.

 

Stress Management

The Impact of Stress

We all face various workplace pressures, such as deadlines, productivity goals, and personality or work style conflicts with coworkers. In today's world, most people are having to juggle many other things in their lives with their jobs: childcare, caring for older relatives, financial stress, family and household responsibilities, and personal problems.

Often times, people choose to juggle more than they can handle, which can result in lack of time for oneself, resentment, and stress. John Lennon once said:"Life is what's happening when you're making other plans.

Beyond the emotional component of stress is the physiological one. This issue is one that many stress sufferers overlook. Have you heard of the "fight or flight" response? It is our body's response to stress and includes various physiological changes such as increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, shallow/rapid respiration, slowing or stopping of gastrointestinal functions, and secretion of various hormones. This is normal. However, when we are experiencing prolonged stress, these fight or flight responses may be turned on and left on. Like a light bulb that is turned on and left on, it burns out. We are much the same. Over time, a chronic state of fight or flight can do damage to us physically.

A Brief Look at the Physical Effects of Prolonged Stress:

Our adrenal glands release cortisol when under stress. Excessive cortisol levels are linked to muscular tension, depressed immune systems, weakened memory and sleep problems.

Fight or Flight mobilizes our energy.Chronic stress depletes our energy stores, thus causing fatigue.

Lets not forget 3 important chemical messangers (Serotonin- sets your body clock, Noradrenalin-helps us feel energized, Dopamine- pain reducing chemicals allowing us to feel pleasure). When chronic stress disrupts the functioning of these chemicals, it can result in impaired sleep, low energy, more aches and pains and life seems less pleasurable.

Since stress resides in your body, you must take responsibility for removing it!

Stress Management Tips:

  • Listen to your body. Our physical symptoms such as tension or headaches are trying to signal us that we need a break.
  • Acknowledge the stress and your feelings. Stress is not a sign of weakness.
  • Often times people approach relaxation in the same way as they do other activities in everyday life: focusing on time, productivity or achievement. The secret to relaxation is not being concerned with those things and doing activities you enjoy.
  • Try something new! Have you ever wondered what it would be like to take a pottery class, learn how to sew, learn how to fish...always wondered about the gym you pass by everyday on your way to work. Try something different.
  • Give yourself permission to take time to relax. You deserve it.
  • Take a break at work a few times a day (even if it's for 2-5 minutes) to do some stretches, walk around the building or around the block.
  • Leave your work environment during lunch: go to a nearby store or park. Allowing yourself to be in a different environment for even just a short time, can be very refreshing to your mind.
  • Since stress resides in your body, you must take responsibility for removing it. Learn meditation, breathing or other relaxation techniques, and exercise.

If you can't get a handle on stress, contact your EAP. We can help. 607-273-7494

 

Employee Burnout: Have You Lost your Fire?

ARE YOU EXPERIENCING:

  • FATIGUE OR EXHAUSTION
  • HEADACHES, BODY ACHES, MUSCLE TENSION
  • GASTRIOINTESTINAL PROBLEMS
  • SHORTNESS OF BREATH
  • PROLONGED OR FREQUENT ILLNESS
  • WEIGHT FLUCTUATIONS
  • SLEEPLESSNESS
  • INABILITY TO HAVE FUN OR LAUGH AT WORK
  • IRRITABILITY
  • DEPRESSION
  • A SENSE OF MEANINGLESSNESS AT WORK
  • CHRONIC WORRY ABOUT WORK
  • CONFUSION, HOPELESSNESS OR HELPLESSNESS
  • A MORE NEGATIVE SELF CONCEPT
  • BOREDOM
  • A PERCEPTION OF LITTLE OR NO PAY OFF AT WORK
  • INABIILITY TO RECONCILE DEMANDS OF WORK AND SOCIAL LIFE
  • A FEELING OF BEING INDISPENSIBLE AT WORK

Burnout is a loss of physical, emotional and mental energy as a result of chronic stress. It can also occur when we perceive a discrepancy between our input and what we get out of work.

STEPS TO COPE WITH BURNOUT:

Step 1: Identify and recognize symptoms
Step 2: Acknowledge the problem- It is not a weakness to admit burnout.
Step 3: Communication- talk to trusted people in your life.
Step 4: Relaxation- give yourself a break and practice relaxation everyday at work and home
Step 5: If none of the above are helping you to cope, it may be time to re-evaluate your lifestyle, job, career and goals. Also, don't forget to contact the EAP! 607-273-7494 or 1-800-834-1239.

 

Beat the Winter Blues: Seasonal Affective Disorder

Many people experience what we call the winter blues. We hibernate and become a little more sedentary and get a little sad or bored with all of the dreary weather. This is fairly normal for people to get blue once in awhile. However, for some people sad and blue feelings are much more intense and severely impact one's functioning, behavior and mood. Some of these individuals may be experiencing SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder: a type of winter depression that affects people each year between September and April.

SAD should be diagnosed by a trained professional. Symptoms include:

  • Disturbed sleep: early morning wakening, desire to oversleep, difficulty staying awake
  • Increased weight gain. Craving carbohydrates and sweets
  • Depression (hopelessness, despair, misery, apathy) that occurs regularly during fall or winter months, but in remission in spring and summer
  • Irritability
  • Avoiding social contact
  • Tension and low stress tolerance
  • Loss of libido
  • Tired, lethargic, fatigue
  • Mood swings
  • Loss of pleasure or interest in most all activities
  • Leaden paralysis: heavy, leaden feeling in arms or legs

What causes SAD?

Researchers continue to explore the causes, but research has associated SAD with seasonal variations of light and secretion of the hormone melatonin. Melatonin is a sleep related hormone. It is produced at increased levels in the dark. Therefore, when we have more darkness in the winter, more of this hormone is produced. Other research also indicates that the serotonin levels may be affected which may be a cause for depression.

Treatment for People with SAD:
First, an individual should be diagnosed by a trained mental health professional or physician. Treatment ranges from counseling, to medication and/or light therapy. Don't be afraid to seek help. This problem can be treated effectively.

How to Get Through the Winter Blues:

  • Get exercise on a regular basis. Sedentary winter lifestyles lead to achy, fatigued bodies.
  • Create some structure. Join a club, socialize, participate in activities in the area.
  • Get involved in a hobby.
  • Use brighter lamps and turn more lights on during the winter months.
  • Take walks at lunch or during daylight to get some exposure to natural light.
  • Restructure your workspace: put your desk by a window, open shades, add a lamp or two.
  • Contact your EAP or physician if your symptoms are severe or impact your functioning and get help.

Substance Abuse

How do I know if a loved one is abusing substances?

Warning Signs:

  • The person uses substances as an immediate reaction when faced with a problem
  • The person uses substances until intoxicated/high
  • The person seems to need more of the substance to achieve the same effect
  • The person drives a vehicle when intoxicated/high
  • The person handles stress and social situations with substances
  • The person makes poor decisions when under the influence of substances: takes unnecessary or dangerous risks, gets into fights, drives, sexual risks
  • They use to escape problems
  • The person has tried to stop and makes promises to stop using but can't
  • The person has withdrawal symptoms
  • The person is preoccupied with using alcohol/drugs
  • Lying about their usage/heightened secrecy about possessions or actions
  • Arguing a lot at home over the person's use
  • Stealing
  • Financial problems
  • The person can not remember what they have done after they have used
  • Missed work or school/poor performance
  • Abrupt mood/attitude changes
  • Change in friends
  • Getting in trouble with the law
  • Suicidal, depressed, hopeless
  • The person is defensive when confronted

 

Work and Family: A Balancing Act for the Sandwich Generation

By: Karen Fritz, LMSW
EAP Contract Manager/Mental Health Consultant
Family & Children's Service of Ithaca
(Published in the Senior Care Edition of the Ithaca Child, 2005)

According to a 2001 AARP study, nearly half of all baby boomers or the "sandwich generation" have the responsibility of caring for both aging parents and children. And we know there are still others who have the added stress of caring for their grandchildren. Currently, baby boomers comprise 53% of the workforce. Many employers are attempting to address the needs of this unique group, as they watch a significant number of employees overwhelmed with this type of stress and do not know where to turn.

Caregiving often depletes a person mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually, many times to the point of burnout. The term "burnout" coined by psychologist Herbert Freudenberger, resonates with the stress of the sandwich generation. To Freudenberger, burnout occurs "when people try to reach unrealistic goals and end up depleting their energy and losing touch with themselves and others." He sees burnout as a problem born of good intentions. This sums up a trademark of many in this generation: a deep commitment to careers, family and their community. Caregivers of the sandwich generation often suffer the consequences of their good intentions trying to be all to all.

When you add a job to the caregiving resposiblilities, the result can be an unimaginable amount of pressure and stress. With nearly half of all caregivers employed, caregivers are not the only one's feeling it. Employers are seeing the stress of caregiving responsibilities impacting attendance, presenteeism and performance of their most valuable and often long time employees. Employers also face the challenge of this generation's unique needs.

Consider the impact of caregiving responsibilities before, during and after a work day. A typical day for an employed caregiver might begin at 5:30 am to take care of household tasks, getting children off to school, stopping at mother's apartment to make breakfast, and make sure she takes her meds. Then the caregiver goes to work all day, taking breaks in between to contact doctors or the physical therapist, and drives the parent to her medical appointment in the afternoon, take them home, pick up children from school, make dinner...And for any caregiver, that is just a typical day. For most caregivers there can be a seemingly never ending series of medical crises for the care receiver from falls, to ER visits, surgery, finding nursing home care, taking over financial responsibilities, and advocating. Long distance caregiving can be an even greater challenge, requiring the caregiver to take more time off from work to travel and assist an ill family member.

According to a recent study cited in EAP Digest, 82% of working caregivers came into work late or left early as a result of caregiving responsibilities. It is not uncommon for caregivers to suffer from health problems of their own, and sometimes turn down promotions, over time, or assignments due to the stress and time consumption of caregiving. And then there are others in the sandwich generation who face even greater life dilemmas. For some, it may mean retiring early from a rewarding career, and losing out on some of their benefits packages because caregiving has to take a priority. And there are also increasing numbers of caregivers who are financially ill prepared for retirement or have their resources tied up in assisting the care receiver.

The caregiving responsibilities of the sandwich generation have many implications for employers. The first step an employer can take is to conduct a demographic and needs assessment of their organization, which will guide their strategy development. One of the most important things employers are doing is implementation of policies that encourage work-life balance and flexibility. Some employers allow flexible work schedules, job sharing and telecommuting, as well as paid maternity/paternity leave. In house presentations on caregiving, parenting financial planning and retirement, long term care planning and stress management can be a useful way to reach employees who are struggling with the challenges of caregiving. An Employee Assistance Program (EAP) is also a proactive measure to provide support for this growing need. Locally, Family & Children's Service provides EAP to 65 area businesses, allowing thousands of employees and household members access to assessment, short term counseling and referral for a variety of work/life issues, one of them being caregiving. Family & Children's Service's Home Care Program also has a variety of supportive services for caregivers, including Caregiver Counseling, Geriatric Care Management, Home Health Care, Personal Care and Respite Services.

Caregivers need not be all to all. It is a nearly impossible task for just one person. And those who attempt to do it often feel exhausted, hopeless and powerless. It is not a weakness to ask for help, or to delegate some of the responsibilities. For a caregiver, having someone to help advocate or make decisions, or even take the load off of them for a few hours a week can make all the difference in the world. There are creative solutions in the workplace, as well as a wealth of knowledge and resources in this community. Knowledge is power and resources empower.

 

Internet Addiction: Does it Exist?

There are many opinions on whether this problem is an actual "addiction" or not. However, most experts and counseling professionals agree that overuse of the Internet can create serious problems. The EAP is seeing more and more individual with problems related to the Internet and its impact on their lives, finances, relationships, marriage and even work.

The Internet can offer so much: online gambling, stock trading, shopping, games, chat rooms to meet people and even cybersex...all at our fingertips. In moderation most of these activities are not harmful, but many experts argue that too much can greatly impair people's real life functioning. For some people, overuse of the Internet may be a way of escaping other problems or sharing problems with others while maintaining anonymity. For others, it may be an easier way to socialize who find it difficult to do so in the real world. It may be a way of seeking comfort, understanding or even love to relieve feelings of loneliness, depression or anxiety.

Signs and Symptoms of and Internet Problem or Possibly Internet Addiction:

  • Using the computer and internet as a means to alter your mood on a regular basis.
  • Feeling out of control when using the Internet
  • Preoccupation with Internet when not on the computer
  • You need more time on the Internet to achieve satisfaction
  • Seeking more intense or stimulating material such as spending more money online, riskier stock purchases, more unusual sexual sites)
  • Having repeated unsuccessful efforts to cut down or stop Internet use
  • Restlessness or irritability when you try to use Internet less
  • Use of Internet interferes with eating, sleep habits, relationships, job, health
  • Using the Internet to escape
  • Lying to family members, employer or friends about Internet use
  • Committing illegal acts related to Internet use

Internet use problems should be evaluated by a professional. Seek help from your EAP. 607-273-7494 or 1-800-834-1239

 

Strategies for Blended Families

About 65% of remarriages involve children from a prior marriage and form a blended family. Although it is definitely not easy to combine two families, bond together and become one, many  people do develop loving and healthy relationships with their step parent, step sibling or step child.  It takes time, hard work and patience.  Initially, couples see their marriage as a second chance at the big, happy family.  Many think “I’m going to get it right this time.” Then within a short amount of time, the reality hits home that it won’t be that easy.    There is confusion about roles, conflicts about rules and loyalty issues.  Each person has to find where they fit in this new family unit and the family itself will have to create its own identity and traditions.  There are many adjustments to be made and many relationships to negotiate. 

Here are some suggestions that can help blended families:

  • Major change can be very stressful for children.  Re-establish a routine and basic schedules.  Maintain familiar activities.
  • Create ways to stay in contact with extended family on both sides.
  • Help children stay in contact with the noncustodial parent, as children who experience divorce often have great fears of losing a parent.
  • Never criticize the ex-spouse in front of the child.
  • Couples must negotiate parenting issues and the role the new step-parent will take with decisions and discipline.
  • Couples also need their “couple time.”
  • Don’t expect instant love and bonding between step parents and step children, and among step children.  A close relationship takes time, nurturing and effort.
  • Transitional objects (objects that can be taken from one home to another) are important at this time, especially for younger children.  Examples may be a blanket or toy.
  • Reduce the amount of intense emotional distress in the presence of the child.
  • Use books, toys, videos or TV programs to encourage children to talk about their feelings.
  • Do not share adult issues with the child.
  • Adults should not use the child or teenage child as a source of emotional support.
  • Remember, your EAP can help families with this transition!

 

For Parents: Dealing with the Emotional Impact of Divorce

Going through a divorce comes with a variety of emotions.  Initially it is common to experience a state of denial and shock, particularly if you were not the initiator.  Other typical emotions include a sense of loss and grief, sadness, loneliness, regret, guilt, loss of control and helplessness.  For some, the situation brings a lot of uncertainty and ambivalence.  For others, it may also come with anger and vindictiveness. And yet others feel a sense of relief and freedom.  Adults have two choices when it comes to all of these emotions.  Adults can either seek to understand these feelings and work through them, or let these feelings guide them…often in unhealthy directions. All of these choices will impact your child.

Most of us are familiar when we are on an airplane, the flight attendants talk about the use of oxygen masks if the plane loses pressure. They ask parents to place the mask on themselves first, then assist the child. If the parent loses consciousness, no one can help the child. Coping with divorce is similar.  If you aren’t, as a parent, able to help yourself first, how will you help your children at this difficult time.  At stressful and traumatic times, children need their parents to be emotionally available and maintain balance in their lives. Children are going to need extra support from you , at a time when you may feel less able to give it.

Here are some key ways parents can help themselves while helping their children at the same time:

  • Work on forgiveness of your ex partner, even if you don’t think they are deserving.  Harboring anger impacts your own emotional state and health, as well as the wellbeing of your children. Children even babies can sense your tension.
  • Take responsibility for your part in the failure of the marriage
  • Work on forgiving yourself, and deal with any guilt and regrets over the failed marriage
  • Seek counseling to address the issues of loss and other emotions associated with the divorce.  The EAP can help!
  • Parents can do a great service to themselves and their children by going to counseling with their ex-spouse to gain closure on the ending of the marriage
  • Parents must focus on the present and current needs of the child, rather than on the past problems of the marriage
  • Parents must learn to separate divorce business from parenting issues
  • Parents must re-define and renegotiate their relationship as co-parents
  • Adults must show respect for the other parent, and not talk negatively about them in front of their children
  • Don’t assume that going to court is the best way or only way to work out custody, visitation, etc.. Many find help through divorce mediation to negotiate issues collaboratively and peacefully.  Playing out the marital conflict in the courtroom out of anger or revenge can really hurt children and put them in the middle.

 

Coping with Holiday Stress

  • The best prevention is thinking ahead, knowing that this is a busy, stressful time of year and develop a plan.
  • Have realistic expectations and give up being superhuman. Don’t judge yourself for not reaching an unattainable ideal at the holidays.
  • Don’t waste energy on things you can not control.
  • Set a realistic budget.
  • Reassess and focus on the top 3 things that are truly important and that you enjoy during the holidays.
  • Make a list of the things you can do without, and do without them.
  • Be realistic about relatives.  You can not solve old family conflicts over the holidays.
  • Set boundaries with family members and relatives. Sometimes we have to say no.
  • If you can’t say no entirely, make the task easier, or delegate.
  • Do not rely on drinking as a way to relax and relieve holiday stress.  Instead, take care of your body in a good way: get rest, exercise and eat holiday goodies in moderation.
  • Don’t give in to all the “gimmies” from kids. Help them learn to take joy in activities and tradition.
  • Make 3 lists- “I need to do,” “it gets done” and “what I can let go of”: Identify things you need and want to do, and identify the items that just “need to get done” and you are willing to let go of
  • Make a “job jar”- color code the jobs by age for adults and children to choose jobs
  • Be around others.  Go out and attend activities that are free if you do not have friends or family members around.
  • Get involved volunteering to help others in need.
  • Try something new and celebrate the holidays in a new way.
  • Acknowledge and express sad feelings you may have in healthy ways.
  • Avoid excessive drinking which will only increase feelings of depression.
  • Get enough sleep and take time to engage in restful activities
  • Balance time in crowds with alone time
  • Eat holiday junk food in moderation
  • Try to keep up with exercise habits
  • Enjoy the holiday journey, not just the destination!

 

Holiday Budgeting

  • Calculate the amount you can realistically spend on gifts, food for holiday entertaining, holiday travel,etc…
  • Determine a spending limit for each person and write it down.
  • Draw names for gift giving.
  • Buy gifts throughout the year that you know a variety of people will like.  Keep them in a box or dresser drawer and “go shopping” at holiday time when you need your gifts.
  • Interest paying “holiday clubs,” holiday savings accounts or money market funds: Depositing a small amount every paycheck for the entire year can go a long way. 
  • Make a list and prioritize the items you want to spend on for the holidays.  What items on the bottom of your list can you cut out?
  • Spread holiday spending throughout the year!  Buy gifts year round and save them for the holidays.
  • Earn extra money during the year: yard sale, part time job or do over time for a month or two.
  • Use cash, check or debit card so you can keep track of what you have available to spend.
  • If you must use credit cards for a lot of your holiday spending:
    • Keep track of how much you are spending.
    • Set aside money in your checking account each time you make a credit card purchase.
    • Use a card with a low interest rate.
    • Repay the amount quickly to avoid paying finances charges and interest.
    • Avoid store credit cards where they offer you an additional discount on purchases, unless you know you can pay it off in full when the bill arrives.  They often have high interest rates!
  • Consider having pot luck dinners rather than spending a fortune hosting an entire dinner at your home. 
  • Consider re-gifting with friends or co-workers to save money and have fun focusing on spending time together.
  • Make gifts and decorations.
  • Offer gift certificates for your services such as babysitting, gardening or maintenance work.
  • Take advantage of free or inexpensive holiday entertainment at churches, libraries, schools.
  • Establish meaningful traditions that cost little or no money.

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